I have a new love/ hate affair, with a book this time, on the subject of CBT. I do love a bit of self help and popular psychology but I must admit I'm finding this one rather difficult. Although the idea of CBT is to manage your thoughts in the here & now and stop emotional overreactions(something I definitely need to master) I'm not enjoying casting my mind back to relevent examples. Woes from four or five years ago I thought I had conquered keep coming back to bite me and I find I'm still holding grudges (yes, I'm looking at you ex-best friend).
I'm certain the reason I'm still in a state of limbo is because I can't quite let go of the past and yet all I really want to do is fast track forward to a time when I do trust people again and I don't feel completely rubbish about myself. A time when I can socialise without feeling anxious and analysing every second. I think normal people refer to it as 'enjoying yourself' or 'letting your hair down'. I refer to these times as 'see how long you can last before you bolt for the door and the safety of your sofa'.
CBT is definitely a good thing and has helped many people I know but there's a part of me that would trade the book in just to have my Nan here again telling me to pull myself together, or a reassuring cuddle from my Mum. Maybe I already have the tools I need, I just need to remember how to use them?
I think for now I'm going with the middle ground. A couple of affirmations each day, just to remind myself to stay grounded, not to overreact or jump to conclusions. Just maybe I'm doing OK in the here & now and shouldn't judge myself by false friends. As Carl Jung said ' I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become'. Hopefully I can get that to sink in. With baby steps I might just get there. I think the CBT book may be going on top of the mountain of other self help books lying around my room....
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