Trust Me, I'm A First Aider

Well, last week was a little unexpected.  I'd been asked to be a First Aider at work which I was quite keen to do as it's such a great thing to learn (why do we not all have this training on a regular basis?). I agreed to take part in the three day course and needless to say last week as it suddenly approached the anxiety kicked in.  What was I doing?  I'd do it all wrong.  I'd probably get lost and embarass myself.  I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone.  What if I failed the final assessment and had to explain to my manager that I'd wasted the company money?  Basically the usual ridiculous anxiety assumptions.

I tried to remember my CBT and told myself to take it one step at a time, not to second guess what would happen but just go with the flow (not easy, especially as from previous experience I knew that first aid courses are very interactive!  There isn't much room for shyness when you've got to get up close and personal with someone to give them the Heimlich Manoeuvre).    

I was still really nervous when I arrived but soon relaxed as the instructor was really friendly, as were the other people on the course.  In fact, I needn't have worried as before I knew it I was actually enjoying myself. The result was the best three days I've spent in ages and I was genuinely sad on Friday to leave it all behind. 

The thing that surprised me most was the absence of any anxiety, even during the interactive role plays.  I just felt happy and chatted happily to my fellow course mates (what is the actual word for that?!).  It may just be that I felt safe on the course (everyone looks after you, tea and coffee all day, scheduled breaks etc.  Maybe it reminded me of being at school again?  Also the knowledge that it was just for a few days probably helped and made it seem more like a holiday period.  Whatever the reasons it proved that I can still feel confident around new people and make friends.  I can also still enjoy myself and feel like I'm doing something worthwhile (which reinforces my theory that my anxiety is partly caused by frustration and feeling stuck in a work rut).  I can't tie very neat bandages but that may come in time.

I've now applied to volunteer with St John Ambulance to keep my knowledge up and feel really excited about this.  I was recently considering training to be a counsellor but now I'm thinking I may be better at patching people up on the outside.  I am aware that this may have been a holiday romance and there's every chance my anxiety will hinder my volunteering as it did with my post at Wildlife Aid which I have since given up.  However if that is the case I'm going to fight it really hard this time because St John do such a great job and for once it really could be a case of life or death for someone, or at the least messy bandages.

To CBT or not to CBT?

I have a new love/ hate affair, with a book this time, on the subject of CBT.  I do love a bit of self help and popular psychology but I must admit I'm finding this one rather difficult.  Although the idea of CBT is to manage your thoughts in the here & now and stop emotional overreactions(something I definitely need to master) I'm not enjoying casting my mind back to relevent examples.  Woes from four or five years ago I thought I had conquered keep coming back to bite me and I find I'm still holding grudges  (yes, I'm looking at you ex-best friend). 

I'm certain the reason I'm still in a state of limbo is because I can't quite let go of the past and yet all I really want to do is fast track forward to a time when I do trust people again and I don't feel completely rubbish about myself.  A time when I can socialise without feeling anxious and analysing every second.  I think normal people refer to it as 'enjoying yourself' or 'letting your hair down'.  I refer to these times as 'see how long you can last before you bolt for the door and the safety of your sofa'.

CBT is definitely a good thing and has helped many people I know but there's a part of me that would trade the book in just to have my Nan here again telling me to pull myself together, or a reassuring cuddle from my Mum.  Maybe I already have the tools I need, I just need to remember how to use them?

I think for now I'm going with the middle ground.  A couple of affirmations each day, just to remind myself to stay grounded, not to overreact or jump to conclusions.  Just maybe I'm doing OK in the here & now and shouldn't judge myself by false friends.  As Carl Jung said ' I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become'.  Hopefully I can get that to sink in.  With baby steps I might just get there.  I think the CBT book may be going on top of the mountain of other self help books lying around my room....